Last night I received my first comment! It makes me so happy that I can reach out to people. I love feedback and I am always up to listen to someone else’s story. I feel like it makes it a little easier to know there are many of us. Actually my reader told me that Julius Caesar was epileptic, it is a random fact that I didn’t know and I think that’s awesome.
I decided that for this post since I was so happy to receive feedback I’m going to talk positivity being key in my life.
With most things in my life I cope with humor or anger. Mostly humor though because it’s a better energy, plus with my epilepsy I can’t be stressed and I can make jokes and laugh. I know that at the end of the day everyone copes differently and it’s just human nature.
When I was first diagnosed I was going through a different emotion every five minutes and pretty much crazy mood swings. At first I was in shock and honestly froze and when the doctor gave me my diagnosis it was as if everything was tuned out except for my own thoughts, kind of like in Charlie Brown where the teacher talks but you can’t actually understand a thing she’s saying. The next emotion was anger. “Why me?” “Why now?” “Will I be able to go to college?” “I’m not normal anymore.” “What happens when I turn 21?” “I can’t drink on my own 21st birthday like normal people.” “Will I be able to drive?” “Will I be on medication?” “Will I have to be supervised for everything I do?” Those were just a few questions running through my head. First of all for those of you around drinking age, whether it’s in another country or here in the US, there is life without drinking! I don’t and it’s actually fine with me because I know it’s just a temporary feeling people get. I can’t stress the drinking part enough because I know sometimes it’s the cool thing to do but it’s not worth possibly having an episode for or being rushed to the hospital.
After being angry at the world and at life, even myself I realized why am I angry? I should be sad if anything because I will never be the same as I was before. The sad emotion was the worst for me. I cried A LOT. I learned it’s ok to cry, you need to let it all out somehow. The only thing is I took it a little too far where I literally just didn’t care anymore, I wasn’t suicidal although I can see how someone can become that way but I just didn’t think anything was worth it anymore. My friends tried to get me to hang out and I just didn’t want to.
With all of these emotions going on I eventually went into shut down mode where I fought with my parents all the time, I would leave the house and lie to them on where I was going (which I look back on now, and yes it was EXTREMELY irresponsible), and hanging out with people that I shouldn’t have been because they were so negative about everything in life.
This is where I realized something. WHY AM I SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH NEGATIVE ENERGY??? I knew that my life had to be turned around somehow. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself or my family and even my little brother, I’m pretty sure I scared him and I am his big sister. I can’t imagine how it feels like to see not only your parents falling apart, but your big sister crumbling into pieces, the one you confide in and talk to and knows won’t judge the way friends do or won’t yell at you the way parents do.
Since I saw that I was being selfish, I was hurting all of the people who cared about me and loved me more than anyone ever will. I decided to start doing things that increased the positivity in my life. Things that made me happy. I started to take yoga classes in college which put me in a place where I could have “me” time. It was my hour break from life and everything around me. Then I started to talk to my parents more about the thoughts that were going through my head and how I was beating myself up over all of this. I started to hang out with friends that made me happy. I studied harder to prove to myself that I can be a good student even with all of this going on with my life. I started dressing nicer and taking care of how I look and just feeling pretty. I went to the movies instead of sitting in someone’s basement complaining about how my parents don’t understand and watching my friends drink while I just sat there being the “loser sober” one.
You have to surround yourself with positive things. It helps the coping process that much more. You also need to understand that you’re not the only one going through this, the people around you are as well. My mom told me that her and my dad felt helpless and as if they were failures because there was nothing they could do to stop this. My mom still to this day tells me she wishes she could take my epilepsy away even if it means she would have to take it and have it herself. My dad is the neutral one; the one of very few words. He is constantly (8 years later) doing research on my condition and medications. He never showed any emotion because he had to be the strong one for everyone even though whenever we talk about what happened 8 years ago you can see the hurt in his eyes that he couldn’t do anything to make this go away.
Once I started thinking positively and telling myself I’m going to beat this and live a life that can be as normal as possible, I started to meet better people, got into more activities, traveled, got my job, and most importantly I got my family back. We are all pretty normal and my parents have come to terms with my epilepsy just as much as I have. Don’t get me wrong if I drop something my mom immediately yells “Are you okay?” She’s very cautious and observant, same with my dad. If I’m taking a bath they’ll knock on the door if I’m in there for a while to see if I’m ok. Even though to some people this will seem very annoying, tedious, or anything of that nature, it has become a way of life. When something happens you learn to live with it and it’s like it becomes a second nature to you.
Fill your life with happiness. I know I’m not dying, I’m just living with sparks in my brain and medication.
Carpe Diem my friends.
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